Assertiveness: Can I Borrow Your New Car?

Assertiveness: Can I Borrow Your New Car? (PART 1) In this Issue

1. Assertiveness

Assertiveness is defined as the ability to express oneself honestly (concern for self) without denying the rights of others. Assertiveness requires establishing boundaries between your rights and those of others, and to operate within the defined boundaries. Passivity occurs when you allow boundaries to be breached, due to the inability to use your right to say no. If you don’t care for the needs of others, among other impacts, you will be unable to get your needs met long term. Passive and aggressive responses bring “win-lose” or “lose-lose” results, and usually don’t create winning outcomes in working with others either.

The ability to be assertive is derived from our basic democratic and human rights. We have the following rights:

1. To express our thoughts and feelings.

2. To have thoughts, feelings, and rights respected, and respect

others’ rights as well.

3. To be listened to and taken

seriously, while listening to others. 4. To ask for what one wants.

5. To make mistakes.

6. To ask for information.

7. To say “no.”

8. To make a decision on one’s own terms.

9. To not feel guilty, wrong or bad about my actions.

10. To choose not to be assertive, speak up or say nothing and simply tolerate the situation.

Most people are not assertive for fear of displeasing others, or not being liked. Although you may avoid some immediate unpleasantness by not being assertive, you could also jeopardize the relationship in the long run if you refuse to assert yourself, because you may feel taken advantage of over and over again.

Source: The University of Texas at Austin

James Messina, PhD, suggests In his article, Improving Assertive Behavior that we may resist being assertive because of a perceived weakness or inadequacy, modesty, fear of ruining relationships, we don’t know how to be assertive/lack confidence, and we believe we have an obligation to others.

1) When you are assertive:

∙ You will feel better about yourself.

∙ You will get more two-way

cooperation.

∙ You help the team effort.

∙ You will be less stressed out.

∙ You are honest with yourself and others.

∙ People will know you stand.

∙ It would show others that you care about them enough to share your honest feelings, rather than to

accept undesirable outcomes (the “whatever” syndrome).

(Continued on page 2)

Parts 1 & 2

2. How to deal with a passive aggressive

peer

3. Pick Your Battles Victor Gray

Speaker, Trainer, Coach ____________________

PRODUCTS & PROGRAMS

As a manager, get needed help in dealing with difficult employees.

Assertiveness: Can I Borrow Your New Car? (Part 1 Continued)

2) When you remain passive:

∙ People will think you’re a wimp.

∙ You’ll continually get used.

∙ The aggressives will always win, and you will always lose.

∙ People won’t like you and may be angry at you because you limit progress.

∙ You weren’t brought up to act that way.

∙ You’ll get fired if you maintain this strategy in ALL situations.

3) When you remain aggressive:

∙ People will think you’re overbearing.

∙ People will think you’re insincere.

∙ You might be operating out of control.

∙ You’ll never get anything done that way, long term.

∙ You are subject to the universal law of “what goes around, comes around.”

∙ You’re expected to invade the boundaries or individual rights of others.

4) When you remain passive-aggressive:

[According to Nora Femenia, PhD., of Creative Conflict Resolutions]

∙ You’ll continue to respond with unexpected, unprovoked outbursts that are disproportionate to the issue.

∙ You’ll be oblivious to the feelings of others. ∙ You’ll ignore or block communication.

∙ People will continue to wonder whether you’ll be sensitive and caring or aggressive, from one moment to the next.

As you consider the personal changes you need to make to move from losing positions (passive and aggressive) to a winning position (assertiveness), please reflect on the words of Dr. John Maxwell. “Don’t change enough to get away from your problems, change enough to solve them. Don’t change your circumstances to improve your life, change yourself to improve your circumstances. Don’t do the same old things expecting different results, get different results by doing something new. Don’t see change as something hurtful that must be done; see it as something helpful that can be done. Don’t avoid paying the immediate price tag of change, if you do, you will pay the ultimate price of never improving.”


1. Passive Response*	“O.K., I’ll lend you the car (gulp).”	Traditionally considered a “I lose-you win;” but we both lose because the relationship suffers.
2. Aggressive Response*	“You’ve got to be crazy, NO WAY!”	One person wins, and the other loses.
3. Passive-Aggressive Response*	“Whatever…” [And respond later with no warning, she/he says], “You aren’t really my friend; you always hurt me with your careless requests, and you never take my feelings into consideration!”	An unpredictable swing from lose-win, to lose-lose.
4. Assertive Response (Generally, the most desired response)	“I appreciate your desire to borrow the new car; our friendship and the car are too valuable to risk. Can I offer you a ride instead? Could that work for you?”	We both win because both parties get all or most of what they want.

*Passive and aggressive responses are both considered to be non-productive because one or both persons suffer a loss.

Reprint & Privacy Policy: You may use this article within your organization’s web site, newsletter or share with a colleague if you include the following statement: Victor Gray is America’s “Difficult People Expert.” Go to http://www.VictorGray.com to learn how Victor’s programs, coaching services and products can help your leaders and workplace professionals boost productivity and address their difficult people problems.

Assertiveness: My Favorite Techniques (PART 2)

Assertiveness is defined as the ability to express oneself honestly without denying the rights of others. According to

approach can be used when all else fails and the person involved is “between a rock and a hard place.”

the National Institutes of Health, a passive aggressive condition is one in which a person seems to actively comply with the desires and needs of others, but actually passively resists them. The NIH goes on to explain that a passive aggressive person may appear to comply with another’s wishes and may even demonstrate enthusiasm for those wishes. However, (ominous music here) the person will tend to perform the requested action too late to be helpful or in a way that is useless, or straight-up sabotages the action to show anger that she/he cannot express in words. Frankly, I’m seeing a greater number of these issues through my coaching practice. How about you? Here are some of my favorite assertiveness tips. Adding them to your toolbox will certainly make you a better leader.

1. Broken Record. A comment is repeated as often as necessary to obtain what is desired. “I think I

understand that you are not a field engineer; however, I need to have this machine running.” If the recipient of the comment replies with an excuse or reason, the expression of empathy can be changed to fit the reason; the basic assertion will stay the same. “I understand that all of the field engineers are on calls, and I need to have this machine running.”

2. Fogging. Defusing criticism by agreeing with the critic’s perception of the facts, without accepting

accompanying judgment. “I can see how you might say that I come on too strong with the engineering

division.” Try to “fog” them out by agreeing with any truth in the statement.

3. Negative Admission. Admitting a mistake without conceding personality flaws. “I failed to get my yearly projections to you on time.

4. Negative Inquiry. Asking a question to allow someone to vent negative feelings and doing so without taking it personally. “Would you like to tell me what it is that you dislike about my management style?”

5. Free information. Using a previous comment as a base for gathering more information. “You said that you quit your last position because you didn’t agree with the CEO’s philosophy; would you elaborate on that?”

6. Modifying the Environment. Restructuring the environment to get to the desired result. Useful when obtaining the other person’s cooperation is impossible. For example, an administrative assistant who can hates to hear gossip can turn on his MP3 Player. This

7. Communicate About Communication. This technique is useful when the way communication is occurring is the problem. For example, if two people are discussing strategies for a new marketing campaign and one of the two consistently distorts the other’s words to support his or her own ideas, the person whose words are being distorted might say, “It occurs to me that every time I mention an idea about the new campaign, you

somehow turn it around to support your ideas.” IGNORING UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIOR. Instead of specifying behavior that is objectionable, asking for change, or discussing consequences, the person ignores the other’s negative behavior. This is useful in situations in which bringing attention to the negative behavior seems to intensify or prolong it by reinforcing it. For example, it may be more useful to ignore chronic complaining than to try to understand it, object to it, or make sanctions against it.

SMOOTHING. One way that a leader can deal with conflict is to try to “smooth it over” by playing down its extent or importance. The leader might try to persuade the groups that they are not so far apart in their viewpoints as they think they are, point out the similarities in their positions, try to appease group members whose feelings have been hurt, or downplay the importance of the issue. By smoothing the conflict, leaders hope to decrease its intensity and avoid escalation or open hostility. Like forcing a solution, smoothing generally is ineffective because it does not address the key points of conflict. However, smoothing sometimes can serve as a stop gap measure to let people cool down and regain perspective. In the heat of battle, people may make statements that are likely to escalate the conflict; and smoothing often can bring the disagreement back to a manageable level. Smoothing also may be appropriate when the conflict concerns nonwork related issues. For instance, intergroup conflict can occurs between older and younger employees because of their different beliefs and values. Smoothing can help to defuse the tension so that the conflict does not spill over into central work issues.

PROBLEM SOLVING. Problem solving is an attempt to find a solution that reconciles or integrates the needs of both

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Assertiveness: My Favorite Techniques (Part 2 Continued)

parties, who work together to define the problem and to identify mutually satisfactory solutions. In problem solving there is open expression of feelings as well as exchange of task-related information. The most critical ingredients in successful problem solving:

∙ Definition of the problem should be a joint effort based on shared fact finding rather than on the biased perceptions of the individual groups.

∙ Problems should be stated in terms of specifics rather than as abstract principles.

∙ Points of initial agreement in the goals and beliefs of both groups should be identified along with the differences.

∙ Discussions between the groups should consist of specific, nonevaluative comments. Questions should be asked to elicit information, not to belittle the opposition.

∙ The groups should work together in developing alternative solutions. If this is not feasible, each group should present a range of acceptable solutions rather than promoting the solution that is best for it while concealing other possibilities.

∙ Solutions should be evaluated objectively in terms of quality and acceptability to the two groups. When a solution maximizes joint benefits but favors one party, some way should be found to provide special benefits to the other party to make the solution equitable.

∙ All agreements about separate issues should be considered tentative until every issue is dealt with, because issues that are interrelated cannot be settled independently in an optimal manner.

“I” STATEMENTS. Exercising assertive rights appropriately requires skill. “I” statements are a simple and reliable approach to giving balanced performance feedback by assisting the speaker express thoughts, feelings, impact, wants/needs, expectations, preferences, decisions, and

consequences; in question form, these statements express requests.

“I” statements express:

(1) The cause of the conversation; “When you tell me you’ll contact the customer about a shipping date and then don’t follow through . . . .”

(2) Impact; “Because . . .”

(3) Thoughts, feelings; “. . . I feel disappointed.”

(4) Wants/needs, expectations, preferences, and consequences; “I would prefer that you make good on your commitment . . . .”

WORD CHOICE. An additional option for you assertiveness strategy is to use assertive words, and perhaps avoid aggressive or nonassertive words.

∙ Assertive Words may include “I” statements (“I think,” “I feel,” “I want”), cooperative words (“let’s,” “how can we resolve this”), and empathic statements of interest in the other person (“what do you think,” “what do you see”).

∙ Nonassertive Words can include qualifiers (“maybe,” “I guess,” “I wonder if you could,” “would you mind very much,” “only,” “just,” “I can’t,” “don’t you think”), fillers (“uh,” “well,” “you know,” “and”) and negaters (“it’s not really important,” “don’t bother”).

∙ Aggressive Words include threats (“you’d better,” “if you don’t watch out”), putdowns (“come on, you must be kidding”), evaluative comments (“should,” “bad”), and sexist or racist terms.

These words may help in communicating with others, but should not be seen as a means of labeling behavior. The assertive leader seeks a solution that equalizes the balance of power and permits all concerned to maintain their basic human rights. Thus, avoiding an imbalance of power which creates a very vulnerable position for both the nonassertive and aggressive persons, while assertive leaders use direct methods, and seek a balance of power. It’s been a while since the first assertiveness article, but you may remember the situation where that casual friend asks to borrow your new $40,000 dollar sports car for the weekend. After reading this article you will be more skillful in using the assertiveness response style, and know the impact of responding with the passive, aggressive response styles. Moreover, avoid the use of the passive-aggressive style that was discussed last time.

How to Deal With a Passive-Aggressive Peer

A Harvard Business Review article entitled, The Conversation, How to Deal With a Passive-Aggressive Peer. December 14, 2010, by Amy Jen Su and Muriel Maignan Wilkins

1. Focus on the Problem, not the Person. Be honest with yourself. Has your past experience with your passive aggressive peer negatively tinted every interaction you have with him? If so, recognize that this may be contributing to the difficulty of the relationship. Stop focusing on his personality and everything that bothers you about it. You cannot force him to change. What you can do is focus on how to achieve the actual work issue at hand despite your peer’s style. This will help you move forward instead of pining over a more ideal situation. Wishful thinking that your peer will see the light and change overnight is fruitless.

2. Don’t Take it Personally. This is a simple one: stop thinking it’s all about you. The chances that your peer is passive aggressive with other team members is high. But don’t take our word for it. Observe him in action (or lack thereof) with others. What do you notice? You’ll probably see that he behaves the same way with them (i.e., says the presentation looks fine and then completely reworks it at the last minute). If this looks familiar and his behavior is pervasive with others and not just you, stop taking it personally. This step alone can relieve some of the

Pick Your Battles

If you’ve spent any time on this earth, you know that life contains conflict. And there are times in the life of every leader when he or she needs to fight. But if you fight all the time, you can wear yourself out. That’s why it’s important to pick your battles. To gain a better perspective on when to fight back and when to “let it go,” practice the following disciplines:

1. Spend time with people who are different from you. This helps you appreciate and understand how others think and work. You will be less inclined to judge or battle them.

2. In matters of personal preference or taste, give in. Keep the main thing the main thing. If you don’t save your energy for what really matters, you’ll wear yourself out and wear out your welcome with others.

personal toll you take from dealing with this individual. You need all the energy you can fathom as a leader — don’t waste one ounce of it trying to figure out why he acts this way with you.

3. Focus on Follow Through. Remember that you sit on a team — not alone in a silo. Use the strength that lies in your team to deal with your peer. We’re not suggesting that you gang up on him! Rather, have teammates

confirm expectations. For example, if you’re in a meeting discussing next steps, make sure everyone articulates what they heard and verbally communicates what they commit to in specific terms (not just head nodding). This will accomplish two things: (1) your peer will have to openly declare his commitment to follow through and (2) the rest of the team will expect follow through. Ensure there are ways to solidify expectation setting and follow through across the team.

Practice these steps. They may not completely remedy your peer’s approach but they certainly will help buffer some of the noise this situation is causing. What’s been your experience in dealing with passive-aggressive peers? What strategies have you used to deal with the situation?

3. Don’t take things too personally. In general, hurting people hurt people. And they’re also easily hurt by others. Keep that in mind when you’re on the receiving end of someone’s anger.

4. Practice the 101% Principle. Whenever possible in a difficult situation, find the 1% that you do agree on and give it 100% of your effort.

5. Be a servant leader. If your mindset is to serve rather than be served, you will be less likely to encounter resistance.

“The best team doesn’t always win;

it’s usually the team that gets along best.”

Source: Adapted from Teamwork Makes the Dream Work, John Maxwell on Leadership

Reprint & Privacy Policy: You may use these articles within your organization’s web site, newsletter or share with a colleague if you include the following statement: Victor Gray is America’s “Difficult People Expert.” Go to http://www.VictorGray.com to learn how Victor’s programs, coaching services and products can help your leaders and workplace professionals boost productivity and address their difficult people problems.

Quotations

The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and wellbeing of others.

– Sharon Anthony Bower [Source: selfesteemawareness.com]

“We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much by other people or what they say and don’t say, but by our own attitude and our own response.”

– Maxwell Maltz [Source: Worldofquotes.com]

“One of the most important, and most difficult, parts of my job is to strike the delicate balance between being too assertive and not assertive enough.”

– Robert Sutton, Stanford University.

Taken from Harvard Business Review’s Conversation Blog, 12 Things Good Bosses Believe, May 28, 2010.

Lasorda’s Law of Assertiveness: “I believe managing is like holding a dove in your hand. If you hold it too tightly you kill it, but if you hold it too loosely, you lose it.”

– Tommy Lasorda, Former Los Angeles Dodgers Manager

“Don’t wrestle with pigs: you’ll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.”

– Attributed to Cyrus S Ching,

U.S. industrialist and labor-relations pioneer

Sources

∙ A Taxonomy of Intergroup Conflict-Resolution Strategies, Daniel C. Feldman, The Pfeiffer Library, John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Used with permission.

∙ The Nuts and Bolts of Assertiveness Training, Beverly Byrum, The Pfeiffer Library, John Wiley & Sons, Inc. Used with permission.
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